Sunday, February 18, 2007

No Action.

I just made an awful realization about myself. Awful enough to warrant my return to the internets. I'd been clean for a while, you know.

Just twenty minutes ago, I was lying on my couch with the sun in my eyes, too inept with the mechanics of vertical blinds to keep it out. I was mulling my options about what to do with the remainder of a Sunday afternoon. The television was tempting, but again, this time of day was bad -- too sunny, too inept. The glare would prove unbearable. I scrolled through my cell phone's address book. Someone to call? I didn't really want to make plans with anyone, mind you. I wouldn't want anyone to see me like this -- unshaven and disheveled. I just wanted someone to text message with. Preferably a pretty girl. Something to distract me, if only momentarily. Distract me from what, you ask?

The Realization.

That is, the realization that I don't enjoy doing anything. I have no hobbies. Nothing that doesn't involve gambling (or at least uncertainty) interests me. Since I am not supposed to gamble anymore, I'm a complete waste of space. Ever the resilient one, I've found a cheaper and less satisfying alternative -- writing bizarre messages on and, pleas for help, inflammatory poems, anything that might incite someone to write back. Sometimes on, after reading the tenth amazingly vapid 'portrait' in a row, I just start sending emails bitterly mocking them. That this sort of behavior fills the void that I used to fill by playing cards is noteworthy, I think. I am not putting anything at risk -- no money, obviously, but not even my ego. It's entirely anonymous.

So I was never a risk junkie after all. I am a feedback junkie. I crave the moment when I realize that I have something to read from a stranger. Preferably a pretty girl. It's got nothing to do with making a connection with someone. It's got everything to do with snapping me out of the boredom of sheer radio silence. It's a reminder that I am not dead yet. It gives me a way to keep score, to measure success and self-worth. Especially when it's from a pretty girl.

Don't most people crochet, or play golf, or go to museums to have fun? I wish those were fun for me. If I can't get my dose of uncertainty, rejection, acceptance, excitement, self-esteem from gambling, then I'm going to get it from person-shopping on the internet.

Sadly, the ones who write back are usually overweight amd live in the suburbs with their parents. And that just makes me more depressed. God, I pity them so much.


Blogger Miserly Bastard said...

Nice to see you back. I was about to delete your bookmark.

You're a smart guy. Read some books, and/or get a mentally challenging job. Like you, I'm a degenerate gambler, and I have no hobbies other than cards. (I do love my family, though.)

I get a lot of mental stimulation from reading books about finance.

8:08 AM  
Blogger Holly said...

You are back. I love reading your blogs. Your realization is amazing and so like everyone else.

I think we all go through life looking for that one thing that brings excitement to our lives. for some it's fishing and other golfing, boring to me.

I too like to meet new people online especially men. But I take the risk of the meeting. Usually somewhere relatively safe but it's fun to see what will happen.

Others climb mountains, go speulunking, sky diving, anything for the thrill or excitement in life. It's probably therapeutic to find this out about yourself.

Congrats for staying clean on the gambling. Have fun people surfing. especially the pretty girls.

10:23 PM  
Blogger The Mommy (fka 3under5) said...

I showed up for the first time in several weeks, just to get the link so that I could add you to my list of links I am posting called my favorite blogs with missing bloggers...

Glad to see you back. Though being a suburban mommyblogger, I'm likely not the feedback you're looking for ... Good luck with that, though!

5:07 PM  
Blogger michaela said... is preferable to T.V. People amuse the hell out of me.

4:42 PM  
Blogger Watchman said...


i have an allergic reaction to boredom, and gambling is a pretty good antidote, which is probably why i decided to risk all my life saving on changing careers and starting a business. i get the same buzz as at the craps table, but at least this session has taken longer than a couple hours, and for some reason, my wife sees it as a more legitimate way of gambling than putting it all on black.

good luck.

11:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

like you're in the fucking position to pity anyone

12:00 AM  
Blogger Helen said...

I don't know if I qualify as pretty in anyone else's book but my own, and I'm maybe too old to still be a girl, but hey, beggar's can't be choosers. At least I'm not an anonymous person abusing you.
So here's another bit of useless internet feedback to brighten your day! Also, just to add to the enjoyment factor, it's totally crap feedback as I have absolutely nothing to say. Except good to see you back. I liked reading your blog last year.
There is no need to worry about meeting, as I am on the other side of the world.

3:00 AM  
Blogger SportyChick said...

Uncertainty? You like uncertainty? Well then here's something uncertain for ya: I'm not overweight and I don't live in the suburbs and I don't live with my parents... and I most definitely have been referred to as a pretty girl.

Now get off the sofa and go make eye contact with humans somewhere.

10:09 PM  
Blogger SportyChick said...

Shoot. I'm sorry. I don't understand addictions... did I just make it better or worse?

Either way, thanks for offering me a glimpse into something new.

10:15 PM  
Blogger The Luckiest One said...

Sportychick: I don't understand your comment re uncertainty. I don't think I ever called you overweight.

11:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey i just searched on the internet 'gambling ruined my life' and this is what i found. you are me, i am in law school and withdrew for a semester and play poker all day online. do you have AIM?

4:37 PM  
Blogger The Luckiest One said...

Nope, I am totally aimless. Isn't that the whole point?

7:03 PM  
Blogger Vegas Baby said...

Take up motorcycle riding...that's nice and uncertain.

I love your blog, glad you came back for a bit.

10:49 PM  
Blogger bloodrose61 said...

Like your blog. I'll be back. Check mine if you've got time on your hands (um, yeah).

2:45 PM  
Blogger Lisa Christine said...

11:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is now 2008 and I just thought I would give your blog one last check before I deleted you for ever. Glad you are still hanging in there. From a fat, frumpy old lady who doesn't live anywhere near you and has absolutely no wish to date a young lad. Hee hee! Don't feel sorry for those who are overweight - could be they are better off than you.
Old lady

4:44 PM  
Blogger alex said...

Don't focus on the loneliness. Find something that makes life worth living--or someone that makes life worth living.

At the very least read about people who are losers, that will cheer you up!

8:19 PM  

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